Spouse of an ESRD patient

I walked into our local emergency room for the first time since we moved here in 2019. It wasn’t exactly what I had seen coming. I had a feeling something was wrong with his kidneys due to all the things going on.

He kept saying he didn’t feel that bad and that he was just tired. After some tests, you tell from the look on the doctor’s face. He didn’t think anything serious was wrong at first. My husband kept insisting he was just tired. But the words that came out of the doctors mouth next changed everything in a split moment.

He told him that his condition was much worse than he had been letting on. He was surprised that he was still moving around. My husband no longer had kidney function. They were going to admit him to the hospital. They planned to move him upstairs. They had to move him into ICU for the first day or so until another bed opened up.

His blood pressure was staying around 200 and he barely stayed focused on what was going on. Once they admitted him into the hospital, it was like a barrier was brought down. His whole body went into another mode. He would experience phases of insomnia. But when he finally fell asleep, he slept deeply. He scared a few nurses because he wouldn’t wake up.

That first night I went home. I told no one about what was happening outside our household. He asked me not to contact his family yet until they knew more. But that night my mind was all over the place.

What was End Stage Kidney Disease?

Was I going to become a widow before I even turned 50?

I had so many questions and thoughts and no one to turn to but my own over thinking mind. Some people think I was being selfish or unkind. But unless you have lived through a moment where you are told your spouse has ESRD or another fatal disease. Who are you to have an opinion on how someone should respond?

Some might say that people on dialysis can live a long average life. This is true as long as they take care of themselves. And yes, they can on average. My husband was in the hospital at this moment. He refused to see a doctor initially. I was mad and angry at him for this. Did I bring it up to him and make him feel bad? NO. But this situation could have been avoided. He should have gone to the doctor when I told him to, months and months ago.

I took me some time to get over my angry about this and focus on the here and now. Everything had already happened and all we can do was move forward.

By the next morning I had made the choice he could no long wait on me calling his family. Holding this all in was going to cause me way more stress then us just telling them. A few days passed before my husband had enough energy. He could finally call and hold a conversation with them all. A weight was taken off my shoulders I’d never be able to explain to others.